God, Drugs and Critics

Since starting this blog I have had lots of people (friends, family, strangers) reach out to me to discuss anxiety and panic attacks (and a myriad of other issues they may be embarrassed about). Most people who message or call me are simply in need of talking; letting it all out. These friends (old and new) are embarrassed to let their friends and family know that they are on edge all the time, but like me, they need to talk to someone about how they truly feel. I get this. I really get this.

I understand the importance of opening up and letting someone, anyone, know what you’ve been hiding, and what’s more is finding someone who can relate. I began to heal and grow when I was finally honest with someone I trusted, and turns out someone very close to them was experiencing my exact symptoms. Not only that, but this person had been to a doctor, tried a few different medications and worked with a therapist. This person had been there and could not only “get me”, but could give me real advice. It was a turning point in my life. I only hope that through this blog and living openly that I can be that turning point for someone else.

Which brings me to today’s topic: God, drugs and critics. I have debated writing about this for a very long time, but I am so scared of offending someone that I’ve kept it shelved. After a lot of venting, Husband convinced me that this is a topic I need to write about and get off my chest. Here goes something…

I grew up in a Christian home, we went to church at least a couple of times a week, I never missed Sunday school, and although I no longer attend a church I still consider myself a Christian. Maybe a non-traditional, gay supporting, liberal Christian, but still… I believe in God, I pray, and I believe my job is to love, respect and accept everyone and do my best to make this world a better happier place. It is never ever ever to judge. Now, that my beliefs are out there I can really be honest with you.

I suffered with anxiety for a LONG time; most of my childhood. I was told to pray, cast my cares upon Him, have faith, God will take my worries away, etc. etc. So I did. I prayed. I prayed A LOT. I had faith. I knew God would take away my fears and worries, but when the anxieties did not go away and ended in a panic attack I felt guilt. I had heard on numerous occasions that “to worry is to sin”. Ever heard this verse?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ” Philippians 4:6

Okay.

Obviously, I was doing something wrong. I must be at fault, right? So after having a panic attack I then began to worry about not being able to control my worries, AKA my sin. I must not be Christian enough. God knows I’ve been questioning things…I must not be worthy. Not only, is my faith not strong enough to take away my fears, but I cannot help but sin all the time because I worry all the time. I was caught in a vicious cycle and did not think anyone would understand if I told them what I truly felt. There was no way I would have shared my uncontrollable sinning with someone at my church. It was awful.

NOW, I know better. Now, I know that talking to a professional, seeking help, being honest and even taking medication for my anxiety is just as normal and helpful as if I had the flu. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it is definitely not a sin, just like being bipolar isn’t a sin.  It is who I am. I was born with a heavy heart that causes worries about basically everything, but it’s not just a burden. It’s often a blessing. A blessing in a very ugly disguise that requires drugs and a therapist, but a blessing nonetheless. Perhaps I was made this way so I’d always be concerned and compassionate for others. Everyone’s troubles become my troubles, but I’ve learned to put that to good use. I also know that I’m not alone. I want you to know that you aren’t alone either. You aren’t wrong. You aren’t a bad person and it’s okay to get help.

The friends that have come to me with their real, open, heavy-hearted selves are so relieved to just talk that our conversation always leads to tears; tears of relief. However, the conversation very often has a strange ending. Once my friends, find this slice of relief and feel better, they tend to slip back to denial. I always always always hear “I’m sorry for bothering you with this.” “I feel much better now, I think I’m just PMSing.” “It was  bad, but I know it’s better now.” “I was going to talk to my doctor, BUT…” “I don’t believe in taking medication.” “I’ll just pray about it.” “I’m just emotional.”

These final phrases kill me. I’ve been there. You feel better, of course, it’s like being in remission. You forget how bad that moment of panic felt. You tell yourself everything is better, it won’t happen again… until it does and the cycle starts over. If you are having anxiety attacks more than once a year, if it’s affecting your day-to-day life, your family, your sleep, your eating habits, etc, than it’s a real issue. It’s not something to ignore or to simply pray away. Sorry, but it’s not.

Don’t get me wrong I believe that prayer helps, meditation helps, deep breaths and talking to others help, but for many of us it’s not enough. You wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes to simply pray it away or sleep on it, and you shouldn’t tell someone who has a mental illness this either. Our generation is so fortunate to have tons of research, doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, open-minded friends, holistic treatments, religious freedom, every kind of exercise we could possibly imagine that there is just no excuse to make excuses and allow yourself to suffer.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to be medicated, and I’m certainly not saying that your faith or religion (whatever it may be) is wrong. I just want anyone who felt like I did at 14 years old, full of guilt and confusion, to stop feeling ashamed and guilty. I wish I could go back and tell teenage Hilarie that it’s not her fault. So, just know, it’s not yours.

I say this all with love, you know I do. And, if you ever want to talk, I’m all ears.

Cheers

4 Comment

  1. I so appreciate your willingness to share about your journey. You have been a great source of peace for JT as he started the journey to figure out his anxiety/worry. Since his parents have different levels of anxiety (and take meds very happily for it), he does have the genes…but his anxiety was different. You sharing about your experiences as a teenager showed us that this was very real for him and he needed to see a doctor. The turning point was when he clearly knew life was good (homeschool = minimal stress; job that he loved; friends that he spent time with) but he felt like he was constantly walking on glass and couldn’t stop worrying and showing some signs of ocd. Since he started his meds, he is able to process things properly. He has peace and can appreciate the things he loves. He was already the greatest kid but to see him able to breathe and not have that little bit of frantic in him is a blessing. He can just enjoy being a teenager, loving his friends, playing his music and dreaming about his future. Thanks for your boldness and honest sharing.

    1. Thank you Tara for all of those kind words. I never feel comfortable when I post something so honest, so it’s a relief to know that someone else benefits from it. Over the years my anxiety has changed…def different now than when I was in high school, but still anxiety. Fortunately, it seems to be easier to control and understand the older I get! JT is soooo lucky to have such understanding and supportive parents. You have clearly helped him find what works for him and allowed him to make choices that not every parent would do. He is such a cool kid! (Although, not really a kid anymore.) I know that feeling of all of a sudden being able to breathe and enjoy life…it just makes all the difference! I am really happy is figuring out how to be happy and be himself now.

  2. This is an excellent, necessary post. I am so glad you were able to seek medical help and that you are doing great. This type of post is the kind that will help someone who is still afraid or feeling anguish. Good job.

  3. Never be scared to write how you really feel. You’ve been there for me so many times, and I feel as your Mama it should be the other way around :), but what a blessing you are to me! I never felt that depression, anxiety or worry are sin, but I do believe that God is the ultimate healer and he gives us many tools do deal with such things( doctors, therapist, meds, friends, etc) I think sometimes that we, (I)doubt that He can help us or become too proud and try do deal with these things on our own or in a destructive way. It kind of reminds me of the guy stranded on a roof in the midst of a flood who refuses several different people’s help (with a rope, boat, helicopter, etc.)telling each one “The Lords gonna save me!”then he drowns and goes to heaven and the man asks God,”Why didn’t you save me?”and the Lord says,” I did. I sent a man with a rope, then one with a boat and then a helicopter, but you wouldn’t let them help you.”I know that’s an old story but it does apply. I’m so guilty of that so many times! Sometimes things are prayed away instantly, but sometimesI think God has a specific journey he wants us to take to make us rely on Him more or encourage others and that’s what you do!! Love you so much!

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