You may have noticed, that my blogging and social media updates have been sporadic and all over the place the last week or so. My life has been the same. 8 months ago, I would have predicted that at this point in my life I would be a super-organized stay-at-home Mom with a strict routine and an ability to get shit done. In reality, Luna is almost 8 months old and I have yet to get a grip on life and have not managed to stay on schedule for more than 2 consecutive days. I am a planner, always have been, and this new unpredictable life is a huge adjustment for me. I love my baby more than anything, truly I do. In fact, sometimes when I look at her I begin to cry because I am so overwhelmed with love for her, but sometimes (like right now) I need a break.
I stay home with Luna, although we don’t really stay home. We workout with friends at 6:30 every morning, we go to the park, the library, baby classes, shopping, Starbucks, her Grandparents, road trips, play dates, hiking, dinner out, downtown and a zillion other places. We are constantly on the go and we both love it. I love getting to see her every milestone, and I love that I’m her favorite person. It’s truly the greatest job and life decision I’ve ever made. BUT, maybe loving it doesn’t mean I never get tired, burnt out or frustrated. Maybe, I need a break from my “job” just like everyone else. Maybe Luna needs a break from me. Maybe we would both grow and refresh after a few hours of being separated.
Don’t get me wrong, we do have some time apart. I’ve been to shows to review without her, gotten my hair done, volunteered and a few other things without her. However, those times are few and far between. We do everything together. I had a minor surgery yesterday and she was literally in the room with me. I nursed her ten minutes after I was off the table. The angel child hasn’t slept through the night in over a week, she broke my phone, ripped out the cat’s fur and has learned how to get into EVERYTHING. I haven’t been able to post a blog because every time I begin to type I fall asleep on my keyboard. I don’t even remember what it feels like to not be tired.
At home, Husband is really helpful and willing to do anything, but the truth is I do most everything for Luna. I always have and she’s gotten used to me, so when Husband tries to lull her to sleep or feed her dinner it almost always ends in a major fit until I takeover. I kind of love that she is such a Mama’s girl and that I am always the one who can calm her, but sometimes it would be nice if Husband could put her back to sleep and I could get more than 3 straight hours of sleep.
As I type this, I can hear myself coming off whiney. “Woah is me, poor stay-at-home Mom, blah blah blah.” I don’t want to complain, I know I am fortunate. I have a healthy child that I get to spend every day with, which is more than many can say. It’s what I’ve always wanted and I am able to fulfill that dream and keep pursuing others. I am grateful for it everyday. I’m sharing my little daily Mom struggles because I have learned something over these last 8 months that is valuable to EVERYONE.
Not only is it okay to take a break, but it’s needed.
A mental health day. A stay-cation. A personal day. Time off. Mommy’s Day Out. Me time. Whatever you call it, whatever, you do, you need it at some point. I’m not talking about a weekend getaway or anything that involves a suitcase. I’m talking about a couple of hours to breathe, think, finish a to-do list, have coffee with a BFF, a date with your spouse, a chance to wash your hair, to write, read, but mostly to rejuvenate yourself.
For the past 8 months I have been terrified to ask someone to watch Luna, not because I’m afraid to leave her, but because I feel guilty. Every time I think about asking for help, I can’t help but think I’m being needy/bratty/whiney/useless/lazy. There are Moms out there who have to work full time and want to stay home. There are single Moms doing it all alone. There are Moms out there who cannot have children and would give everything to be in my shoes. Who am I to say I need a break?
I’ll to you who I am. I’m Hilarie. I’m human, and I need a break. I can no longer pretend like Mommyhood has not taken its toll on me.
I loved teaching, but every so often I needed a day off. You know what? I always came back to the classroom feeling refreshed and excited to work hard, be creative and see those kids who needed me. Luna deserves the best version of me, and I believe getting a little time to myself, or some time with my Husband, will help me to be the Mom I want to be. I may not have the strength to do it all, all the time, but I do have the strength to admit that I need help. Raising a child is hard work, and it’s supposed to take a village, right?
Whatever you are, Mom, Dad, teacher, writer, runner, cook, lawyer, nurse, student…do yourself a favor and take a break. Get some sleep and come back rested and ready to give it your all. You won’t regret it.