Ready and Waiting

34 weeks pregnant photo shoot

I am 37 weeks pregnant. I am a “high risk” pregnancy, but have honestly had what most would consider an ideal pregnancy. I went into this pregnancy with panic attacks and lots of anxiety, (even after I spent months in therapy prepping for this pregnancy). It still hit me like a surprise collision. Not to mention, those first trimester hormonal changes are seriously rough. After a couple of months, when I began to get a grip, I decided to set some goals: one goal in particular. I was going to do everything in my power to be calm and at peace in this pregnancy. I even wrote it down…making it super official. There are some issues that are virtually out of my control; being high-risk (hypertensive), the day the baby comes (just tell me already!), how my body handles pregnancy in general, etc. My goal is to let go of the things I cannot control, and instead focus my attention on what I can control: my attitude.

ready and waiting for baby number two
Photography by MandyLizPhotography

I have “felt” like I will go into labor any minute now for well over a week and with each passing minute, I am becoming more and more impatient. This week I began wondering…why? Besides the obvious, unable to sleep and always uncomfortable, why am I SO ready to have this baby? Truth be told, even if you are super pumped about meeting your new baby, childbirth is still nerve-wracking, as is bringing a new tiny helpless human home with you. So why am I crossing my fingers and praying he comes ASAP??? It’s not like I’m immune  to those fears of childbirth.

It didn’t take much reflection to realize that I am more nervous about the effects of having him now vs. a week or two from now. I am scheduled to be induced in less than two weeks (June 13th to be exact). However, right NOW,  I feel good. I feel strong, positive and healthy. Most notably,  my blood pressure has been perfect.  Right now,  everything is ready. I’ve packed, cleaned, prepped food, shopped, organized everything and have fully nested. And, right now,  I do not have to be induced.  I can go into labor naturally and possibly have this baby naturally, without being attached to a dozen beeping scary machines. Right now, seems ideal.

34 weeks pregnant
Photography by MandyLizPhotography

If I let my thoughts run away on the anxiety express train to Panic Town, I could really work myself into a tizzy thinking about what could possibly happen in say the next 11 days, but if you remember, I’m working real hard to keep my attitude in check.

If you follow me on Instagram (@positivelypanicked), you know I’ve recently (as in 5 days ago) got into meditation. I am using the Headspace app and I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE it! They start you off with ten minute sessions for ten days. They are all lead by a guy with a nice voice telling you what to do, which is exactly what I need. Anyhow, so with that and my yoga and positive podcasts and reading and blah blah blah I have found a few statements…truths? positive affirmations? beliefs? Whatever you’d like to call the following statements, they ring true for me and keep me and my mind on the right track. Perhaps a couple will ring true for you as well.

waiting for baby number two's arrival
Photography by MandyLizPhotography

Every second that passes brings me closer and closer to my goal (delivering this baby… in case that wasn’t clear).

The negative thoughts are not me. They are my ego. I will acknowledge their existence, and allow them to pass. They are not in control. They do not and will not define me. 

Thoughts are like passing cars. The negative ones are begging me to jump in the passenger side for a joy ride to hell. I will wave them on and allow them to pass.

God, the universe, mother nature…they all have my back. 

God does not want me to live in fear. “Fear not.”

I can do hard things.

My body is strong, capable and built for this. 

37 weeks pregnant
Photography by MandlyLizPhotography

I’ve been repeating these daily and it has done wonders for keeping my anxiety in check. Everyday I feel a bit more like a hippy out in la la land as I lie on my yoga mat, light a candle and focus on the simple (yet really not so-simple) act of breathing. And, everyday I love it more and more. I’ve yet to give up waffle fries, Starbucks, filling in my brows or my anxiety meds, but I believe in balance, so it all feels right to me.

Most importantly, I am still attaining my goal… to have a calm and peaceful pregnancy and delivery. I may not have reached my destination, but I have learned so much on this journey.

maternity shoot at 34 weeks pregnant
Photography by MandyLizPhotography

So tell me, what are the goals of you mind and soul? Have you set them? And, what do you do to reach them???


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