Since becoming engaged I have set many goals to accomplish before the wedding: grow hair out 25 inches, cure my acne once and for all, workout everyday, and eat only organic vegetables and fruits, you know just a few reasonable and realistic goals for a modern-day bride.

Growing my hair out at all turned out to be impossible thanks to the scissor happy Italian who chopped 4 inches off when I asked for a trim. My face is destined to look like a 16 year old’s for all eternity. I do walk to work daily… that counts as daily exercise for some people. And, if getting french fries and fruit sorbet delivered counts as a healthy organic diet, then I’m 2 for 4.

Basically, I just wanted to be incredibly vain and self-centered and look like one hot bride on my wedding day. So, to make up for some failed attempts, I have been booking numerous Groupon appointments to really freshen up before the big day. I have recently scheduled appointments for lasik hair removal, a facial, mani/pedi, airbrush tan, hair highlights, and teeth whitening.

Now, before you start hating on me for wasting money on these selfish expenditures, please know that I am already aware of this. I know these things are shallow, vain, and that there are more important things to spend my money on. I know I shouldn’t care so much what I look like. Really, I KNOW I am not making the wisest choices.

But, for once in my life, I am okay with making some bad decisions.

I am okay with being vain and selfish right now.  I have never before had lasic hair removal, a facial, airbrush tan, or teeth whitening. I figure getting married is a good reason to splurge a little, feel good, and look a little extra glamorous. I plan on having children (soon-ish), so now is the time for me to be a little irresponsible and egotistical. PLUS, I’m using Groupon, so every appointment is like 500% off anyways. 

Today was my Zoom teeth whitening appointment. After I bought the Groupon, Zoey was nice enough to inform me that she just read several horror stories about people who got their teeth whitened through salons who use Groupon, and had horrible experiences. I tried to make myself feel better by explaining that  I was getting my teeth whitened through an actual dentist, not a just  random salon.

I originally made my appointment for the Friday before the wedding, and when I booked, the receptionist informed me that I should brush my teeth with Sensodyne 3 times a day starting immediately, to prepare my teeth for the  procedure. She actually said that each time I brush I should let the Sensodyne sit on my teeth for a minute before brushing. I responded, with a “oh of course, no problem!”.

I did  go out and buy Sensodyne, but seriously 3 times a day? letting it sit for a whole minute? that was never going to happen.

Two days ago, I received a call from the dentist explaining that their dental hygienist would be out the Friday before my wedding, and they need to move my appointment up to this coming Friday. Fine with me… It didn’t hit me until I was on my way to the dentist today that I hardly got anytime to “prepare” my teeth for the procedure. I wanted to ask the receptionist when I arrived if this was okay, but I was afraid she’d ask if I’d been following her instructions carefully, and I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. Im a terrible liar.

(I must mention here, that I had not had any coffee. I didn’t make any this morning on account of running late, and I decided not to run to the Starbucks across the street from work. I have been TRYING to cut back on Starbucks spending, I was already feeling super anxious about the dentist appointment, and I was actually feeling pretty good. “Look at me! I don’t have an addiction. I can function perfectly without caffeine!”)

By the time I arrived to the dentist’s office, I had the WORST caffeine withdrawal headache ever.  All I could think about was coffee, and my plan to immediately stop by Starbucks after my appointment. I already had it google mapped on my phone. After waiting for an hour, they finally took me into a little dentist room to prep me.

They stuck a large contraption in my mouth to pull my lips up, inches away from my teeth and gums, and then stuffed all the empty space with enough gauze and cotton to make a leg cast. They then coated my gums in some sort of white goo and blow dried it so it was nice and hard. It created a barrier from my teeth. They gave me a mirror so I could look, and I almost fell out of my chair. It was like looking at my skull…eww

Finally, they started the whitening process. They coated my teeth with some sort of clear-ish liquid,  told me not to move my mouth or lips at all, and stuck a very bright light into the contraption that held my mouth open. They also placed some enormous bright orange glasses on my face. The kind that look like I might decide to weld something. This procedure is done in three to four 15 minute increments under the light. So with all the prep, and the actual whitening, I was looking at laying in this chair for at least an hour and a half.

The hygienist told some corny jokes, and said things like, “Oh I guess this is just a one-sided conversation now huh?” as I nodded as to laugh with her. They had a large TV mounted to the wall, but it was impossible to see over the enormous machine attached to my face, and it was on an only-NY-news-station. At one point, the “funny” lady came in to ask if I’d prefer to have the TV or the radio on, I tried to gesture to her that I’d like the channel changed, but the second I lifted my hand to the TV, she said “Okay great! TV it is!” and turned around and walked out the door.

I decided to close my eyes and try to sleep. I wouldn’t have to hear the terrible terrible news, and maybe my headache would go away. About eight minutes after I closed my eyes, they shot wide open because of a painfully sharp sensation in one of my bottom teeth. The nurse lady warned me this may happen. Something about the pores opening in your teeth, sensitive nerves, strong chemicals… I don’t know, but it hurt like hell!

When the first fifteen minutes was up, she came back into the room to check on my me, and I pointed to my tooth and gave her wide crazy eyes that said “pain!”. She just looked at me with sad eyes, and said “Oh is it hurting? That happens. I’ll put some [insert fancy medicine name here] on it to help. If it’s just too much for you we can stop early, but it won’t be that much whiter. Maybe you can tough it out a little longer ?” Her voice was borderline sympathetic, borderline mocking.

Of course I nodded that I could tough it out. I’m not a teeth whitening weenie! Plus, the medicine she put out my teeth really did help. It was still really uncomfortable (imagine biting down on popsicles for about an hour), but I could bear it. I just kept telling myself that it would end soon, and I’d be done FOREVER.

During the last two minutes of the last 15 minute session, the lady came in to prep me for what happens after the procedure. After!?!? You mean I don’t just go home with a bright white smile and live happily ever after???

She said that since my teeth were sensitive during the procedure, that they would be sensitive and sore for then next few days. Also, I cannot have any colored foods for the next 48 hours, or “foods that would stain a white tee-shirt”. I was thinking that this sounded difficult, but before I could finish my thoughts she started listing what I cannot have…”red wine, berries, ketchup, salsa, coffee…”


The large lip stretching contraption was still in my mouth, but my attempt to scream “WHAT?!?!” as my eyes bulged out, made her stop reading.

“Oh, you are one of those, huh? Well, if you MUST have coffee, you can get iced coffee and drink it through a straw, but limit it to one a day.”

I was out of the office twenty minutes later, in line at Starbucks four minutes after that, and sipping a refreshing iced latte 3 minutes later. My teeth felt much better, but the caffeine headache had not subsided.

Now, 7 hours later, I am in sooooo much pain! My teeth are KILLING ME! I WANT TO RIP EVERY SINGLE TOOTH OUT! I  have taken so much Advil, but nothing seems to help. I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but for me, this is SOOOOO NOT WORTH HAVING A WHITER SMILE. So not worth it.

I guess the silver lining is, my teeth are definitely whiter and brighter. Two more days on a colorless diet, and an entire bottle of Advil, and hopefully I’ll be back to normal!

*Now, on a completely different note, we saw MIB 3 tonight, and it was great! Just as good as the first two!*


7 Replies to “Zoom!”

  1. You are the bride and you deserve to spoil yourself 🙂 Sorry to hear about the Zoom incident. It’s crazy you just got that done because Sommer and I were literally just talking about that 2 days ago. I know it’s too late but if you ever do decide to whiten your teeth again I definitely recommend getting the trays (they mold your teeth) and then the bleach. Basically you wear the trays at night with the bleach for a couple of weeks but it was hardly painful. I did have some sensitivity every once in a while but it was definitely manageable and it was seldom (they also provided you with sensitivity medicine for that too) I have heard some bad things about Zoom and don’t ever get that again! See you in 2 weeks with your beautiful white smile 🙂

    1. that’s good to know! I will definitely keep that in consideration if I ever need to do that again. I can’t wait…only 13 more days!

  2. When I was younger I went with my aunt to get her legs waxed. It was terrible, and I’ll always remember it. She just kept repeating “pain is beauty.” lol. So sometimes I say that to myself when I’m doing something like plucking my eyebrows.

    1. hahaha I tell myself that all the time! That sounds like a traumatizing experience!

  3. Brittany Lackey says: Reply

    I did zoom about a year ago and my teeth hurt like hell too. I know the feeling of wanting to rip them out. I went as far as putting orajel and sensodyne straight on my teeth and leaving it on lol

    1. hahaha I did that with Sensodyne too!!! Sucks!

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