When I found out I was pregnant with Luna, it was near impossible to keep the news a secret. In fact, I told my sister-in-law, my co-workers and an entire NYC bar before I was able to fly to Nashville to tell my Husband. I also told at least 100 of our “closest” friends and family members before posting it on social media at 10 weeks. I just could not contain my excitement. In fact, I felt this positive vibe and excitement throughout my entire first pregnancy. Fast forward three years, to present day, second pregnancy, and my feelings are quite different. After reaching 10 weeks, I had multiple people asking me when I planned to “announce” this pregnancy and when was I going to tell more people. Truth is, I didn’t know. All I knew, was that I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to tell the world (or even everyone I knew) and I finally know why.
Because of the unexpected sickness and difficulty I experienced during Luna’s birth, it’s obvious that this pregnancy has me a bit on edge. And, by a bit, I clearly mean on the verge of a panic attack at all moments. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted this. We tried for this baby. I am completely stoked about having our new baby home with us and Luna becoming a big sister. However, I’d love to just fast forward to the coming home part. The first trimester was the hardest. I spent time everyday breaking down into tears, falling to the floor, or a crumpled heap on the bed, and just begging God to allow me to survive this. Please, please, please, please please was my constant prayer. Yes, I realize that seems pretty dramatic, but that’s the truth. I worried the majority of each day that I may have to experience the trauma I already experienced with Luna’s birth….or worse. What if it is worse? Once my mind goes there, it takes a while to come back.
Let’s go back to when I first found out I was pregnant. Truth is, I thought I was pregnant the month prior. We were at Disney World, I was a week late and I was 100% certain I was pregnant. I was also SO incredibly excited to announce it at Disney. I mean, what could be more perfect for us??? Of course, I wasn’t pregnant. The next month, I began having some serious anxiety and one big panic attack about being pregnant again and reliving the trauma I went through previously. In fact, I thought, better hold off for now, we’ll try again later! Of course, this time, I was already pregnant by the time I made that decision, because that’s life, right?
So, when I was once again late, I took a pregnancy test (positive this time), drove straight to a friend’s house, handed her the test and asked her what she thought. (It was a very faint test.) She said, I THINK you’re pregnant!. She then fed me coffee and let me cry in her living room, without judgment. #thatswhatfriendsarefor
Of course, I didn’t believe her or that little faint line, and took 8 more pregnancy test over the next two days before finally telling my Husband the good news…two days before his birthday. Also, two days before we flew to South Korea.
Once we returned, I had finally accepted the fact that this was happening, and went to the doctor for my first ultrasound. At a little over 6 weeks, the ultrasound showed a baby that was too small and a heart-rate that was too low. For the first time, I had told Husband not to worry about coming to my appointment with me, so I sat there, alone, waiting for what seemed like hours for the doctor to tell me what I already knew this meant. After, a few different ultrasounds, I was finally told that I was likely to miscarry. There was a slight chance that I ovulated late, which would make the baby measure smaller than it should, but I’d have to come back in a week to determine if the fetus was viable.
They didn’t print a picture for me to take home.
I took that as a sign that I wouldn’t be having this baby. Of course, I was consumed with guilt because it was obviously my fault…if I hadn’t been so negative, scared and anxious this wouldn’t have happened.
*Please, note that I was not in a good place, and I KNOW that this is not true. It was not my fault. And, if you are, or have been in a similar place, it is NOT your fault either.
A week later, Husband and I returned together, holding hands, and were told our baby looked perfectly healthy. I left the office and was flooded with emotions and tears. It was like I was told for the first time that we were having this baby. I was happy, relieved and yet…still flooded with anxiety.
So when it came to announcing the pregnancy, the truth is, I just needed time to process this pregnancy on my own. I needed time to work through my own anxieties, emotions and every other issue that comes during the first trimester before sharing this news with everyone. How could I answer everyone’s questions before I could answer my own? I needed time to talk to my doctors, to develop plans and to get a grasp on my own emotions before having to explain them to everyone else.
So, how am I doing now?
I’m 16 weeks and a few days pregnant as of today. Physically, I feel really good. This pregnancy has been easy, like Luna’s. Of course, I’m exhausted, have indigestion and a very short fuse, but compared to most, I feel great. Mentally, I am finally getting better. My anxiety seems to have calmed down a lot, once I hit the second trimester. My goals are to focus on the now, on the positive and on what is true. I have an amazing team of doctors watching me like a hawk (seriously) and they are confident that things will go smoothly. A friend of mine let me borrow her book The Power of Now, which I am slowly reading, but am definitely putting to use.
Since my health is currently great and everything is going so well, I see my OBGYN every four weeks, presently. I also see a team of high-risk pregnancy doctors every 3 weeks. Then, there’s my hypertension specialist, who I will likely just see a couple of times before actually delivering the baby. Of course, the further along I am the more often I will be seeing each doctor. In fact, starting at 32 weeks, I’ll have to see a doctor twice a week..oh joy! Like any big change (or any childbirth), this will be a challenge, but I love a challenge. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. I can do this. In fact, I’ve done this. And who’s to say this delivery won’t be completely different, perhaps even better than the last?
You know what? I think I’m actually starting to believe that.
As of right now, things are great. I’m doing well, baby is doing well and we are all expecting the best!