To my first born…

our little girl

to my first born

Dear first born child of mine,

For 3 years and 4 months you have encompassed my world. Every decision I make, plan I create, meal I prep and even my lifestyle choices have all put you into consideration first. I dreamt of having you my entire life, and then one day, you arrived. It was the most surreal moment of mine and your Daddy’s life. You rocked our world in the best way possible and brought out a type of love in us that we never knew existed. For almost three and half years, that have flown by unbelievably fast by the way, you have been the center of our world. Now, any day now, you will be promoted to a big sister. Your world, as well as ours, will soon be forever changed.

Your birth wrecked me in many ways, and yet, you were the one who saved me as I struggled to find myself again. Every time I held you, fed you, swaddled you and watched you learn and grow I began to find another piece of myself. For a long time I felt as though as I was falling to pieces, but then you would need me, broken me, to sustain you. Being your Mother, loving you and nurturing you made me whole again. As an infant, I cherished the long nights (and boy do I mean LONG) of rocking you to sleep because I was not only in awe of your existence, but I was, and am, so unbelievably grateful to be your Mother.

letter to our first child

As everyone says, those first couple of years flew by at lightning speed. Before we knew it you were crawling, climbing, walking, dancing, running, jumping, talking and into absolutely everything! We spent hours upon hours photographing and videoing your crazy antics. Everyone thinks their kid is the cutest, but your Dad and I knew as we watched you shimmy to Taylor Swift at age one that you were actually THE cutest. I can’t tell you how many times you’d made us crack up and we’d look at each other and say “How did we get so lucky??” You were our first, and every single thing you did amazed us. We could not get over the fact that we somehow created this funny, smart, sweet and adorable little person…even though you were clearly the spitting image of your Dad (and still are), I know I’m somewhere in that equation!

You are now entering the ever challenging preschool/three-nager stage of life.  You are learning to push boundaries, test our rules (and patience), to share with friends and to recognize and handle your own feelings. We are doing our best to teach you to be a good human being, and at the same time, you are teaching us. Besides learning to be much more patient, I am recognizing my own faults more and more and learning to be easier on myself. Parents make a lot of mistakes too, and not-so-lucky for you, we are seeing a lot of our mistakes with you first. Fingers crossed we don’t make the same with your little brother. Of course, I’m certain we’ll make new and different mistakes with him too. As you grow older, you’ll start to see our imperfections yourself. My hope is that through our own faults we will teach you to own up to your mistakes, ask forgiveness and learn to grow from them.

enchanted forest toddler

In the few years you have been with us, we have gotten to experience numerous adventures with you in tow. Before you were born, we were told our adventurous lifestyle couldn’t be done, yet we have taken you to ten states, 4 countries, multiple cities, theme parks, natural parks and more!  From your first flight at two months old, you have been such a trooper! I will admit that traveling before your existence was easier, but traveling with you is certainly more magical.  You have become a part of every wild adventure in our life, all while being our greatest adventure yourself. There’s no way I could have ever imagined our life as parents with you. Even though I tried many times, this life we have is so much better than any picture I ever created in my head.

Both of our lives are about to change tremendously. We will soon be welcoming a new baby, your little brother and we will grow from a family of 3 to a party of 4. I must admit that I am a little sad, nervous even, about the change. For so long now, you and I have been a duo. Don’t get me wrong, we ARE a trio with your father, in fact, that’s when we’re at our best! However, it is very often just you and I. The two of us go literally everywhere together! I am so very close to my own Mom, and I am lucky to now have such a strong connection with you. I am sure we will both miss all the time we have had of just the two of us.

about to be a big sister

That being said, I could not be more excited to see you become a big sister. You talk about your baby brother, Mustache Kite (the name you’ve bestowed upon him), constantly and describe all the fun things we will all do together. You’ve already planned our family trip to Disney World and also made a point of telling me you will not be changing diapers. You have us feel your belly so we can feel your baby kick and love to tell everyone how you and I both have baby brothers in our belly. We may be losing the era of “just the two of us”, but we are about to gain so much more. I can’t help, but imagine the secrets, adventures, arguments, hugs, toys and characteristics you and your brother will share. It is sure to be an exceptional bond.

Have no fear, first child of mine, life is about to change, but it’s all for the better. And, we will still make some time for our special “mommy daughter adventures” too. Mommy and Daddy love you so much! Here’s to new adventures, a new brother and a bigger family with even more love to share!



2 Replies to “To my first born…”

  1. Hilarie, this is so sweet! The photos are gorgeous.

    1. positivelypanicked says: Reply

      Thank you Amy! Our good friend took the photos just for fun and they came out so great!!

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